College of Charleston | Counseling and Substance Abuse Services

Help for Friends Who Lose Someone to Suicide

Where Do I Start?

If you have lost someone to suicide, the first thing you should know is that you are not alone. Each year over 30,000 people in the United States die by suicide -- the devastated family and friends they leave behind are known as "survivors." There are millions of survivors who, like you, are trying to cope with this heartbreaking loss.

Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions, including some or all of the following:

Shock is a common immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented, and may have trouble concentrating.
Symptoms of depression, including disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy.
Anger towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or yourself.
Relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.
Guilt, including thinking, "If only I had...."
These feelings usually diminish over time, as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.

For Friends and Family--When friends and family ask how they can help, you might want to give them a copy of this section.

When there has been a death of a loved one by suicide, survivors will experience a depth and range of feelings. It is important to honor and respect the needs of the survivors in the days, weeks and months following the suicide. Often you may feel helpless. These guidelines help you understand what may be comforting to the family. However, before you assume responsibilities, we believe it's important to ask survivors whether they need your help. Some survivors gain added strength from performing many of the responsibilities below, while others may want to rely on friends or family for support and guidance.

Respond honestly to questions asked by the family. You don't need to answer more than asked. If they want to know more, they will ask later.
Surround them with as much love and understanding as you can.
Give them some private time. Be there, but don't smother them.
Show love, not control.
Let them talk. Most of the time they just need to hear out loud what is going on inside their heads. They usually aren't seeking advice.
Encourage the idea that decisions be made by the family together.
Expect that they will become tired easily. Grieving is hard work.
Let them decide what they are ready for. Offer your ideas but let them decide themselves.
Keep a list of phone calls, visitors and people who bring food and gifts.
Offer to make calls to people they wish to notify.
Keep the mail straight. Keep track of bills, cards, newspaper notices, etc.
Help with errands.
Keep a list of medication administered.
Offer to help with documentation needed by the insurance company, such as a copy of the death certificate.
Give special attention to members of the family -- at the funeral and in the months to come.
Allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.
Allow them to talk about the special endearing qualities of the loved one they have lost.

Here are two other thoughts:

Write down a story about my loved one (especially one that I might not know myself) and give it to me, so that I can read it when I'm ready.
Don't be afraid to say my loved one's name. Don't worry about making me cry; it hurts so much more when no one talks about the person I lost.

Other Resources:

If you have a question that is not addressed here you can call 843-953-5640 during our hours of operation and someone will be glad to answer your questions.

Counseling and Substance Abuse Services is accredited
by the International Association of Counseling Services.
All services are completely confidential.